Grief

I lost my grandmother yesterday.

Not in the sudden and unexpected way, but in the way that you anticipate and loathe. The news comes and then you're in limbo. Waiting and knowing. The kind of knowing that steals your energy for days and weeks before the actual loss happens.

The timeline is there - I am here and soon they won't be. They are going to pass to another place, time, or way of being, because who knows what waits for us at the end, right?

You start to grieve a person who is still living. There's an intense sense of urgency - I have to be 'here', I have to do 'XYZ' (fill in with whatever unnecessary and ultimately futile thing you try to do to escape the feeling of pain).

Old wounds float to the surface, regrets start to appear, and a life that was well lived starts to reflect back to us our own mortality, shortcomings, achievements, joy, pain, and overall experience of living.

Did I do enough? Have I learned enough? Did the people who've passed on know that I loved them? Do the people still alive in my world know I value them? Am I creating enough safety for my family? Am I enough? Does any of it even really make a difference in the end?

The process of sitting with my emotions hasn't been an easy task. There's been grief, anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness, humour, gratitude, joy, and the list goes on. Often multiple of these at once.

I am learning that the emotions I carry aren't a burden to be hidden and only viewed in the darkest of rooms late at night. They are meant to be woven into the everyday, to add depth and texture to the tapestry I am weaving. My grief is a dark, rough canvas and it provides stark contrast to the bright, smooth silks of ease and joy, the pebbled knots of growth and learning, and the worn flannel patches of comfort and rest. It is dense, dark, overwhelming, and it has its place. Shadows are dark, and often feared, but they still have a home and a purpose, even on the brightest of days.

So to anyone else in the dark or struggling with their grief, know you are not alone and all things have their place and time in our tapestry of life.

All my love,

B